Today it's 20 march, we broke up the 15 so 5 days ago. During that time I kept sending her videos on instagram about relationships. She didn't reacted, I'm scared it might be over for ever. She sent me a video on rednote, I feel happy she thought about me but she deleted it. I also send her something on red note and we talked a little bit. I had a big smile when we talked but it was very short.. I miss her so much. Her no reaction to my instagram make me feel like she doesn't agree, that's it's over for good. I cry everyday I can't stop thinking about her. Everyday I hope to see a message from her, everyday I'm this close 🤏 to send her a text, to ask her to come back, to try again, but I will ruin everything if I do that. It's so hard for me. I have to wait more. For me I'm still in a relationship with her, but I'm scared she might not love me anymore. I feel like she was so much exhausted that she will forget me if I don't text her. A few weeks ago she told me "i promise i trust you respect you and stay with you i won’t let you feel sad or tired easily we will take our time and walk together slowly" she promised me to walk together slowly and now she leaves me alone. I don't understand why she's doing that to me. I'm crying so much I love her so much. I'm scared she will get used to no contact with me. I'm scared she's too busy with class so she will forget me, I will disappear from her mind. I'm worried she might hate me, I'm so scared to talk to her, what if I send her a message, gets angry because of the exhaustion and delete me from everywhere? Today my cousin with her husband they came to Paris, they live in the south of France but they came for the week end because they have a music concert and to spend time with friends and family, tomorrow I will eat with them and my family for lunch, then we will walk in Paris and in the evening I will go with friends and my cousin to eat in an Indian restaurant. And Sunday I will go play bowling with my brother and friends. And also in 5 days, the 25 march we will have the answer if we get the new apartment or not. I want to tell you all this things, I want to share with you... I'll take pictures of everything so I can show you maybe in the future when we get back together.. Since you've left me Yì I feel empty, I feel like the world is against me. I don't wanna talk with anyone, I'm pissed off by anyone. I just want to be alone, or with my other part. You've left me but you took a part of my soul with you... i can't forget you, 24/7 you are in my head. I miss you so much Yì.
Today it's 21 march, I'm starting the day in the bathroom because my belly hurt so much.. I don't want to go out with my family.. but they will get mad at me, I have no choice. I sent her something on insta and she didn't reacted either. And she sent me something on rednote and i sent her a picture of her bracelet that I was wearing. She didn't really reacted like I hoped, she only said the bracelet is good... I keep trying to reconnect with her but she keep turning me down.. Why is she acting like that.. Does she really want nothing with me anymore ? We talked a little bit about our feelings, it gave me a Little hope for the future. I saw her on wechat, she's sooo pretty. But when i saw her I almost cried. I was at the restaurant with my family at that time. Because everyday I go watch her moments to see if she deletes me or if she deletes the lego flower I gave her. Right now I'm with my cousin and her husband and we are doing shopping. And tonight we will go to an indian restaurant with the friends of my cousin. I don't really know them, but some are really nice. One friend came with us, we are at a adidas shop. We just visited many luxury shop and many beautiful places, it's really pretty. I wish one day she would come to Paris and I'll visit this with her.. hand to hand ❤️. Now we are going to the restaurant in car. She just woke up and it's soooo hard for me to talk with her, I'm talking with my ex girlfriend while I still love her. I just can't it's too hard for me. The only thing I wanna do is scream at her "I LOVE YOU I WANNA BE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND AGAIN" I couldn't hold it in me anymore, I told her that I can't talk with her like that and pretend like it's nothing. WoW so many things just happened, I've talked to her so much, about our relation and what we can and should improve, it seemed she needed to read thoses things I wrote her, and I needed to tell her. I can finally see us back together.. I feel so much relieved now that I got the chance to express myself. But still I feel liked I talked a lot and she didn't really expressed her opinion, I wish she could have told me more about what she went through this time alone. IM SO HAPPY I THINK WE ARE GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER ! I really believe that today is the start of that healthy and long life relationship we both dreamed of. I cant remember the last time I got happy. I made this journal to keep myself focused and not talk to her, but in the end I couldn't hold it and now I'm so glad of my decision hahaha.
Today it's 22 march, weve talked about a few things. She said she loves me but it's like 70% partner and 30% friend. These numbers are not true it's just me but she told me that the partner share is larger so I think something like 70/30 must be what she feels. She didn't go to class today. I'm worried about her but I can't show it, she will find me pushy so I'll just let her be. But I don't recognize her, skipping class is not something she does usually and I'm worried as hell. That girl is the love of my life. Today I'm going to spend the afternoon with my cousin and tonight I'll go bowling. But I keep thinking about my baby Yì.. Today she told me we are below partners, but I'm scared she might get used to that situation and in the end wants to stay "below partners", just friends.. but as much as I love her and willing to fight for her. If in the end she just wants to be friends, I will need to be ready to move on and forget about her. Because I'd rather lose her forever and forget about her, than being friendzoned and stay attach forever to someone that don't want me anymore. I still don't understand, with the way she talks to me if she will give us another chance or not.. I'm lost I tried to be closer by saying I'm here for you 🫶 but she only said u too. Im hurt. The Flowers she send me on rednote I posted them on wechat, they are so pretty and I feel so happy that she said it was for me~ I'm at the bowling right now, at the parc earlier with my cousin and friend we played board games. Now I'm at the bowling there is many peoples but i only know a few. I miss my girlfriend... I feel like I'm entering depression. But I don't know if I should tell her about that. But still I'm happy because the situation seem to get better, we shared a little flirty moment on my WeChat moment. When I posted about the flowers we flirted a little bit on a very healthy way and I'm so glad about that :) Yì if one day you read this journal, just know that I love you and work everyday, step by step like you said, to make sure we love each other for ever ❤️
Today it's march 23 and i juste woke up but she didn't send me any message.. i thought she would have shared a little bit with me. Trying to work on herself step by step by opening to me and sharing but she didn't send anything not even a message so I'm really confused. She doesn't say she miss me, she doesn't say anything concerning her emotions towards me. She is a little cold. While I try to get close to her with emojis or sweet words. I tried to reconnect with her by sending a video of a restaurant in Chongqing to see if our trip and our future plans were still alright and she ignores me then she says "I don't know how to answer". Right now I just feel like she's talking to me because she doesn't want to lose me, she doesn't want to lose how I make her feel. How I support her and how I love her. She just want someone to cling to her. That's how I feel, deep down, she talk to me not in the objective of rebuilding the relationship, but because she didn't want to be alone and lose someone who care for her. But she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. She absorbs my love and care for her but she doesn't give it in return. I feel like it's really over and she's only playing with me.. How is it possible to completely change like that Yì ? We talked so many times about having this trip together, meeting each other for the first time. I worked really hard to get money to see YOU. How is it possible to reject me like that ? Why do you treat me like that, what did I do to deserve such treatment ? Why can't you let me be happy? Why did you come in my life ? Why did you make the first step to become my girlfriend the 09/09/2025, if it's to treat me like a stranger now ? Why I open my heart and give every solutions we have to work on and you say nothing to me ? Why haven't you changed, why am I the only one trying to change for this relationship? Why you don't care about me ? You feel down and I give you support through my words and you take it and then you disappear. Do you realize that I might appear strong in message but I cry all the time like a baby ? That I feel down everyday because the only person that can give me support doesn't give me anything ? Why is life such a bitch with me ? Why can't I be happy with the girl I love ? Why I have to suffer ? Yì why can't you be honest with me and tell me clearly if we have a future together or no ? Why even in moments like this I have to be the one holding us and finding solutions for us ? Why you let me do those things alone ? I will try to not give you this emotional food that give you constantly anymore. I will stop being as much protective as I am already. If she don't try to give it to me I will understand that she don't want anything with me anymore and I will move on. Because you can't treat me like that, use my support for you own good and don't give me anything in return and ignore my feelings. Until you are really ready to work on US and not only on yourself, I will not provide you with any emotional food. You said I was important to you ? Then show it to me, act like I'm important to you. She's going to understand what I feel, running after her, trying to catch her attention all the time. Yì, you take me for granted way too easily. I can't live like this for very long, if the situation doesn't change I will have to go away to save my heart from being hurted more than already.
Today it's march 24, seems like my objective to stop giving her emotional food was successful. She kept sending me a lot of messages and said for the first time in many weeks that she miss me. So today I decided to be on a flirty way but not doing too much and it worked. She shared with me, her IT work, her food and she even did a mukbang. She even liked the videos on sent her on instagram talking about "us" and love. I feel like she's starting to come back at me step by step and I'm very glad. I understand now that I should stop giving too much and let her give me. Because if I give too much she doesn't have space to give me. The more I give the less she give. The less I give the more she give. With today's talk I feel confident that we will be girlfriend and boyfriend again. She even send me a 💗. Today was the first day I felt really happy in 3 weeks. I hope this mood will be the new mood of the relationship. Tomorrow I will have the answer if I get my new house. I hope it's a yes. I will finally have my own room and will have space to call Yì and spend time with her. And maybe welcome her if she comes to Paris one day.
Today it's march 25, I got the answer for my new house and it's a YESSSSS. I WILL FINALLY HAVE MY OWN ROOM, MY OWN SPACE !! I'm so happy and I will finally be able to call Yì without needing to go outside. And maybe i will be able to welcome her if she comes to Paris. Emotionally today was sweet day, we played games we talked and i made the step toward her to say "I like u" and she answered me. And I even said it another time and she also answered again. I'm really happy but I'm a little bit scared that it's only friendly and not lovely. But maybe I'm just being crazy but my overthinking mind can't help but think of every possibilities. I'm stressing very much because I'm scared to do or say something that will make her leave me. But I will try to focus on the real. I still miss when she shares with me her meals. She did that, I think it was yesterday but now she doesn't. At least today she hasn't shared with me. And yesterday I sent her a cute text to motivate her during her day and I expected her to do the same for me while I was asleep but she didn't. I don't mind but I would have liked it. Anyway, now she's sleeping and I miss her really much so I opened my heart to her and sent her many cute texts. I just gave her really much emotional food, I think for tomorrow I will need to step back a little bit. But still, since 2 or 3 days we are in a flirt mood and I'm really looking forward to when that wall will break. I can sense that she's very receptive to my flirt and she's flirting with me back. With the best of her skills. And I'm happy to see her efforts. I love her.
Today March 26, not much to say except that when I woke up we were still talking in a flirty way but at one moment I told her "I like you !" And send her "🫶" and she gave me no reaction. So I'm little bit confused by that. And she went to sleep without telling me so I won't chase after her. I will not text her while she's sleeping and I will not text her when she get ups. For the past few days I've shared a little bit while she was sleeping and I sent her many cute textes to help her during the day but she hasn't done that for me in return. So even though things are going well I'm still wondering if she wants to be my girlfriend again or not. I asked her to send picture of landscape when she runs and she only send me picture of the ground... I barely see anything, I am disappointed. And I even talked about "leave me some food", I said that because I was expecting her to send me pictures of her food and she hasn't done that at all. So I guess it's time to do like last time, back up and not give her any support, emotional food. And let her come to me. Sometimes I wonder why she's like that, one moment she opens to me and gets emotional and the moment after she becomes distant and shut me down when I act cute. I feel like she's only have little energy and when she gives me she has nothing left and then become cold. I don't understand, it's like bipolar. And when she does this, it's hard for me to feel loved. She doesn't know, but since we broke up I kept saying "I love you" everyday... I didn't miss a single day. Just like when we were saying "good night I love you" I kept saying it and I keep calling her "babe" all the time. Sometimes I almost text her that. One time I didn't paid attention and I said babe and i deleted the message instantly.
Today it's march 27 and I gotta admit, it's working. I stopped being present for her during that day and she came at me. She even said "I miss u". And in rednote I've shared a picture of Chongqing and she said "take me there" and then for a meal picture she said that there are shop like that in Hangzhou and she can take me there. So I believe we will have that trip together. When I woke up she was very emotional with me and I really liked it. We were very close to each other and that made me so happy. I had doubts about our relationship for the past few days but now I'm pretty sure that we are like boyfriend and girlfriend, we just didn't tell it but I can sense it. But still let's take it slow and I will wait for the right time to tell her what I have prepared. Tomorrow will be our 200 days since 09.09.2025, I will send her a very emotional text. I hope she will feel moved by it. I plan to record myself and talk to her for the 9 April and ask her to be my girlfriend officially. SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO LIVE WITH ME IN THE FUTURE. IM SO HAPPYY !!
Today is March 28. I feel so hurt. I wrote super pretty words for her and for our 200 days and the only thing she say is "I'm happy you wrote that". What the fuck am I ? A clown ? I said things like "your the most special person in my heart" "our story will go forever" and the only thing she can say to me is "I'm happy". I can't live like that for very long, absorbing my love and my sweet words and not giving me anything in return. In the end she hasn't changed at all during our breakup time. I already told her in the past that whenever I give her message full of love she only answer with basic things. Am I really not worth for sweet words in return. Why I'm the only one trying to change for this relationship. After everything we went through why is it still not possible for her to talk like that. I've been patient, 7 months. I've waited 7 months for her to change a little bit on that aspect. That's not possible for me. I don't like this day.
March 29 we talked again about the relation. She said she wanted to stop that. But then the situation got better. And she said "i love you" for the first time in 3 weeks. Our emotions are like a roller coaster. I'm too much exhausted to write more.
Today march 30, she send me a video on insta about touching boyfriend ass. And then we started sending each other videos and we flirted a little bit. It's kind of confusing because yesterday she wanted to break up and now we are back in this flirty mood. I'm happy she made the first step towards me by sending me a video. I really enjoyed our interactions in instagram today. Right now it's the evening and my dad came home for dinner and like every day he keeps yelling at my little brother. This made me feels really sad, I even cried. Idk why he get so pissed off at my little brother always. I wanna share my thoughts with my girlfriend because she's my home, my family.. but I can't. I feel really down at the moment. I need a hug from my babe
March 31 I think today is the best day, we flirted all day, we send each other many many cute videos. We even talked about traveling the world together. We talked about many partner things. Our relationship is going on very well. I like it. I told her many today that I love her and she say it back. I know she might be scared to say it because saying it means holding the responsibility of a relationship and I know she's scared to not be strong enough yet. But I'm happy she found the courage to say it to me. I love you ❤️
April 1, i send "I enjoyed very much today, I hope you too. Please dream of us traveling the world together. I love you not as a friend or family but as a woman who shares my life everyday. Study well tomorrow ~" while she was asleep and when she woke up she ignored completely and gave me zero reaction. Then I draw her a heart on my tablet and again zero reaction and ignore. Then when I went to bed I said in French "good night my lover, will you miss me ? My lover" zero reaction again and zero answer to my question. This was like around 1am so now I woke up and it's 1 April and I won't text her. She talks to me yesterday like we are boyfriend and girlfriend and when I express my feelings she ignore me. We literally talked about living together, traveling the world together, kissing each other, gifting each other flowers in real life. You can't say I'm crazy to say that this is girlfriend and boyfriend behavior, that's exactly what a girlfriend and boyfriend would talk to eachother. So why become distant and ignore me when I act like a boyfriend.
April 2, good day not much to say, I'm feeling okay 👍
April 3 we argued because I called her babe. She said she's not confident in us getting back. I feel like she's been playing with me and my feelings since all thoses flirty days. If your not confident why you say you love me ? Why you say we will live together ? Why you say we will travel the world together ? Why you give me false hopes if you don't believe in us ? We again had an issue tonight because she doesn't want to send me pic of herself even half her face. She keeps saying she will send me when she wanna but she never in 7 months took a picture on the spot for me. Every pic I have of her wasn't took for me. But for her or for her social medias. I don't feel special for her, I can't see her face, even half I can't see. I'm just a clown for waiting.
April 4, no talk today. I went to play basket with my friends, we played during 7 hours I'm really exhausted and I only ate a tangerine. I'm starving.
April 5, I feel like I'm getting used to no talk with her. I feel like I won't mind if we stop everything now. Because our actual situation is too hard for me, I would rather stop everything if I can't have her as my girlfriend. I'm so mad at her, during our whole relationship I kept asking her to have calls so that we can communicate with our voice and understand our tone better and she turned me down every single time. And now we broke up and we aren't in relationship anymore because we can't communicate. I hold her responsible for that situation just because she didn't wanted to be closer to me. This is her fault for not trying to be close ealier in the relationship and now I'm the one suffering because of her.
April 8, i send her a text and she hasn't answered. I hope tomorrow she will. April 9, no answer, i thought she would have texted me today since it's our birthday but no. I guess she will answer during the weekend April 10 no answer again. We had a little interaction on insta if I can call it like that. I sent her a video (maybe i shouldn't had) she opened the conversation pretty quickly and she replied with an emoji 😊. Idk if it's because she agree with the video or if she just replied that to act kind but disagree with the video. I hope tomorrow when i wake up she will have answered me.
April 11, I just woke up and still no response from her. However, she did reply to something on the Couple Joy app. And now I've just sent her another video on Instagram; I don't think I should have. We just had another interaction on Instagram... right now I only feel like she doesn't love me anymore. I have the feeling she hates me. She doesn't want anything anymore with me. Why is she interacting and talking to me on insta but still doesn't answer me in WeChat ?
April 12, still nothing. What is she doing ? It's the weekend she had plenty of time. I'm feeling very emotional right now. I cried again, it's been many days since I last cried but I miss her very much today.
April 13 we talked. It's really hard for me because she said "my wish to separate is stronger than my wish to get back together". She is afraid to fight again and I understand her but it hurts me very much. I cried again today.
April 14 we are starting to talk again together, i will do my best to rebuild our bond and make her feel safe in our relationship. I hope we'll get back as boyfriend and girlfriend soon. But I'm sad about one thing. She hasn't answered my question "why do you love me". I will ask her to answer it maybe the 9 May for our 8 months.
April 15, we talked a lot about our relationship and our feelings and even our trip. Many many things were said so I wont be able to summarize but we are being pretty healthy with eachother and with our talk. Even though she said things that hurted me alot, we were not fighting.
April 17, I'm so happy by the way we are, we are so kind to each other there is no issue since the 13 April. I hope it will continue like that forever !!! I hope we can be love partners soon !!!
April 18, we barely talked today, many times I tried to engage a conversation with her but she was too busy to answer me, I had to wait a lot of time before she answer me again. I'm unhappy and sad. I have the feeling she only answer to me to be kind, but she doesn't want to spend time with me.
April 20, it's over, she doesn't want to be in a relationship again. It's over. I'm so hurt of being rejected like that. I hate her. Why has she started talking to me again if she clearly knew that she didn't wanted a relationship again ? What did i do to deserve to be played like that ? I keep crying all day. I gave so much energy and love to her and to this relationship just to be rejected like nothing ever happened between us. Two days ago we'd known each other for eight months, and now it's over. Eight months gone to waste. We could have had a pretty long term relationship but she is just too scared of hypothetical future fights so she prefer to stop everything. I'm so sad. I really don't feel well. I just want to die. I really dont understand her, she says things like "you are mine", "im yours", "i wanna live with you", "i wanna travel with you" during our "reconciliation process" and now she says she dont want to be in a relationship with me. Is she playing with my feelings ? Why you contradict yourself like that ? Why you talk like a girlfriend and give me fasle hopes if you dont want anything with me anymore ? What did i do to deserve to be played like that ? Sometimes i really feel like shes manipulating me.
April 21, I keep having videos on insta about couples that broke up for a while then got back together and got married. I even sent her some of thoses videos... I think I made a mistake but I won't delete it. My feelings are true and I won't pretend to not care. I keep seeing long distance couples on social medias. Seeing that much love between two people knowing my relationship is not like that is making me very angry. I keep crying.. I'm so tired.
April 22, I still hope that soon, we'll be together again.. Tonight I'm going to the cinema to watch the movie about Michael Jackson, it got released today. I miss her. I keep looking at her social media profiles. I just got out of the movie, people were singing and dancing it was so cool, i took some videos but now i have no one to share with. I saw so many couples together watching the movie and almost cried.
Today i started developing a new website, to be honest i wanted to do this website since early February but i was too much lazy. But now i have to do it. Tomorrow im going to eat lunch at my mother friends house.
Today im having launch at my mother friends house.
I still cannot call her my ex girlfriend. When I think about her I keep saying my girlfriend or babe. I am still working on that website. I miss you 艺.
Today she saw the videos I sent her on Instagram a few days ago but zero reaction from her. On the Couple Joy app she deleted her profile picture then she put the same little guy as me. Did she do that on purpose? Because if yes I found it very funny and cute. I changed mine again and I will see if she also puts the same as me.
I dreamt of her. I dreamt she texted me on WeChat and I dreamt she put the cat picture as her profile picture, the one we talked about a few days ago. Today I shaved my legs and I feel like a baby now. I discovered a big scar on my leg. I remember I made that when I was in high school. I thought it would have disappeared since it has now been around 5 years but I guess I will have it forever.
I am thinking about when to send my website to her. I think May 9 will be too obvious because she will expect me to send something since I never missed a single month anniversary. I was thinking maybe after I move into my new house but there is no exact date yet, probably by the end of May or June. I am scared that if I wait until June it will be too late and she will have already moved on. If that happens I will be devastated. So I am thinking maybe after our 8 months anniversary. Around May 10.
I am still waiting for her. Every time my phone vibrates I hope it is a notification from her but it never is. It is hard to stay silent when everything reminds me of us. I am putting all my hope into this project. Today i started packing some of my stuff for the move.
I really miss you 艺.
Today im taking a cruise with my father and brother on the Saint-Martin canal, a canal that runs through Paris and joins the Seine, the river that flows though Paris.
Hey i got a question, if you could go back in the past, at the beginning of our love relationship, with all the from our actual relationship, our fights, flaws and everything. Would you go back and try to communicate better from the very beggining ? Or you will not engage in a relationship with me ?
I miss her so much, im not happy in my life anymore.. i feel empty, just like back in august before i met you. What do i have to do to get you back. Sometimes my hopes disappear and i feel like you will never come back to me... Between 15 march and 20 april i had so many hopes, in my head it was very clear : we are going to get back together. But now i dont know anything anymore. My mind is stuck between : i should delete her from everywhere, delete every pictures, throw away her gifts, letters and completely forget her and try to move on. But i cant do that.. i love her too much and im still attached to her, even though shes not.. So ill just wait, ill wait until she comes back. That might never happen but i will wait.
Today i changed "our" trip. I considered that i will do it alone. So i will do Hangzhou, Shanghai and Chongqing. I just bought the ticket plane from Shanghai to Chongqing. Im still gonna wait for the hotel. I will wait to see if she will travel with me, if our relation will return to boyfriend girlfriend. If in June we are still ex, i will take my hotels alone.
She ignored me in rednote, just like i thought yesterday 👍
I cried again today. I stayed for you all this time, even when you broke up with me many times. I was genuine for this relationship. So why, why are you rejecting me and my feelings this coldly after everything i've done for us. Why did you stayed in my life, why did you kept talking to me, why did you talked to me like a girlfriend, why did you gave me so many false hopes. When i broke up with you when you made fun of my body i shouldnt have come back. I opened my heart to you, i trusted you, trusted all the promises you made and now you throw me away like im a fucking piece of trash who doesnt deserve you. Im crying while writing this, not because im sad but because im angry at you and the way you throw me so easily. My emotions are so mixed right now. Everyday i keep thinking about her behavior, her actions, how quickly she broke up with me, how cold she's with me. Im going through so many different emotions, anger, sadness, hope. I'm mixed between unhappiness, mad, hate against her and love. Adn yet, if she opens her arms and come back, i will go back to her... im too much in love with someone who doesnt want me.. I thought i had found a girl who wanted to fight for me and for the relationship.. Mentally im very hurted. Im fighting for someone who doesnt want to fight and abandoned me and "us". Its exhausting and its not fair. You kept saying that the way I love you is perfect, that what i give you is what you want in a relationship and yet, you refuse to fight and be better together, you reject me, you abandon me. Im tired, every time i open instagram i get videos about kids, happy couples and everything. Im very tired of seeing that while knowing it wont happen to me. Today she also ignored what i send on red note.
Im too tired, i cant wait anymore i will send her the website today.